角角的角落

 

It is raining again, she did the shower, for get rid of the overnight sleep smell she does not like. Meanwhile, missing someone everyday did. It is a smell she has been expecting for long time ago, May nearly forget, wondering all the time when will be the next chance.

She is a sensitive person, as he does. Has lots little emotions should explore from time to time. She likes to explore in front of him, for let him know what she is thinking about, even somehow nonsense bit. Somehow, more sensitive shown, more questions get, a voice is keeping asking ‘Are you sure?’ Then, she begins to control not to tell, there is another voice ‘Tell me the truth!’

She was crying again, when shower. As usually does. Make herself believe, it is the foam together with water drop into her eyes, make the tears come out, for no more reason.

She begins to desperate about everything. Even wants to hear the voice from a real person. However, cannot. She puts flowers in the room, and let it messy to remind her she still alive.

She is sick. He is her only doctor. Only prescription can cure her sickness, he owns it. She keeps asking nearly begging him for the medicine. He is keeping quiet, as heard nothing from her and keeps telling her so.

One day or another, he told her, he sick also, affected from her, for the time she visited his clinic.

She locked herself in the room. For wishes, his sickness can be fine. She became an anti-social person, even no one else noticed where she was as disappears in sudden.

She keeps suspecting herself. What she is insisting? She made a snowman, look like him. When the sun comes out, she wants to put some snow on, can feels he is waving at her. She been closer, wanted to see, is it real him, or still the snowman she made. When walking closer, snow affecting the strong sunshine, make her eyesight begin to blur. Nothing can see. Only some voice weakly comes into her ears ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Tell me the truth.’

She knows it only all her imagination. Then walking into her room, everything they have been through picture-like flashing into her mind. There is only one thing left. Wait!

Time flowing, her hair getting longer; shorter; longer again, some fell down, colour is changed. From black into gray now is white. Dried and winkled skin covered her eyes, nose, face, even all over the body, she is shrink bit. Dark spot appears on her skin, all around.

Though time change can see clearly on her, one thing remains. She is still waiting, with sitting on wheelchair, in front of the table under the window, looking at the raining outside, waiting, waiting, waiting still.

She is expecting all the ages, only for hear one bell-ring, from a young man, with his black leather jacket on and a big travel bag, smiling at her, say ‘Am here.’

The eyes closed, pictured with opening the door fading with dark, disappear as ash, bowled by the Northeast coast wind.

Sunshine comes out days later, with people walk by, they reading a piece of stone in the grass, next to the ones they knew, without the name on, written:

‘I have waiting all alone,

Finally,

You are not here,

But somewhere…’

No one would ever know who she was, maybe only that stone can tell…

 

 

Yearning is a insect, with thousands of legs

Climbing up marrow

Passing through every vessel into cell

Once yearning, will be lost

Without night and day

Is getting lost means forgot self?

We falling down, no longer strong

We drinking, the empty bottles full of house, every corner

We smoke one after another

Until house is foggy

We are kids without soul

Finding, finding what we yearning for

No answer

We suffering, struggling, screaming

Laughing out loud

With tears

Then crying out

Torturing ourself as junky

Cried, laughed, screamed

Then, calmed

Until, empty

Minds away

With tears

And salty

its been long time i did not thinking...sitting in front of the table, with the candle light with fruity smell, the street outside window getting dark.

its a slient place, nearly one year, tomorrow will be.

last year's tomorrow, with kilos of luggage,  i was landed on this unknown land.

all the year, changed a lot to me.

i learnt a lot. not only the lessons, but also way of life.

am begin to quiet, much more than before.

but, even am really quiet, why i dont have time to thinking?

i had two close friends together with, now they left. back to their hometown, and begin their young exciting life.

all will be change one day, and, i hope, some other day, when they sit down, with ...friends? family? lover? kids? someone "others" together, would still remember the year.

i am begin loving someone. the one seems i knew years before. so familiar, as one of my family member.

can share everything with. happy, sad, anger, lazy,  even can lost my temper..any positive or negtive thinking or behaviour...every little thing would be so comfortable being together with.

i had kind of belief, we would be close as real family one day.  some where in the book said. if you do believe something, it will come true one day.

then, am lost. losing myself...

who am i? whats the meaning of am being here?

something was told, said here for finding my life.

is it possible, here to find someone? the part of me was lost when i was born?

is it possible, after found the one, the life can be full?

where am from? ( nothing about nationality)

who i am? ( no relate to whats my name)

what i want? ( not only for the study...)

...? (...)

..?  (...)

...?  (...)

who are you? can you tell me whom you are?

why am doing all things and you dont know who i am?

why am trying to show you everything, but still get doubted?

why after allthing, you still get confused?

why you keep ask me same question which i already gave the answer?

is that you are the another half of me which i dont know?

tomorrow will be another year...

this year, i knew lots things i dont know...

now, i have a new subject to study, which can away all the things i experienced...or maybe somehow related..

i would like use all my life to study that...

and i of course do believe, you are the one and the only can understand, what subject it is...

good luck, for you, for me, and for us...

 

i was asked, are you serious this time. i think i do.

we are in difficulty now. even though, i still dont want to give up.

now i know what love means, and something called insist.

everyday for your "left" sounds like end of the world...

are my words sounds too much? but i do feel so...

said a lot of feelings, all were true ..i think

can remember every letter you said...i think you do also...

sweet, sour, bitter, spicy, and hurt...all its all about love...

time for sleep ...should do..

thanks for back again...miss you,  my rabbit...

wish you a sweet dream, and i will sleep good with those rabbits...